July Journal

July 16

My only goal at the moment is to not get down on myself. I am not worrying about anything else, or setting any other expectations. I am putting 100% of my energy into not getting down on myself. The reason I am doing this is because I have come to believe that getting down on myself is my only true limitation, and if I can avoid it, then anything is possible.

I don’t care what I do all day, as long as I don’t get down on myself. That’s the only rule. If I spend an hour doing something stupid, that’s fine. And the reason is this: If I get down on myself for doing something stupid for an hour, it’s likely that I will spend the following hour also doing something stupid. Because getting down on myself makes me feel bad, and feeling bad is the reason why I do stupid stuff.

Feeling bad is the reason I eat too many sweets, or browse toxic websites. It’s the reason I lie in bed in the middle of the day. Feeling bad means that I can’t write. It means that I can’t record myself rambling about a book and post it on Youtube. It means that I can’t go walking around the city.

So, logically, if I don’t get down on myself and don’t make myself feel bad, then I will be able to do those things. Whether I actually do them or not is entirely up to my whims. Sometimes I don’t want to do any of these activities, even though I like them! Sometimes I’d rather play a video game, or do nothing at all. But if they remain possible, it means when I’m done my video game, I might start writing. Sort of like how I’m doing right now. I didn’t do a damn thing worth a damn thing this morning, but here I am, not down on myself! And here I am, writing!

I ask myself: when has getting down on myself ever got me anywhere? Shame is simply not an effective motivator. I’m not one of those people who writes books because everyone said they couldn’t. I’m someone who didn’t write books until somebody told me I could.

Now, it’s not easy, what I’m doing. Not getting down on yourself is difficult. That’s why it’s literally the only thing I am doing. If I try to do anything else, it’s likely the resulting lapse of attention will cause me to inadvertently get down on myself. Even writing this, I have to stop every sentence or two to fight the urge to get down on myself. Writing down personal thoughts without getting down on yourself — this is perhaps the ultimate challenge!